I don't know how this is going to turn out. It just seems so hard to continue this friendship. She tells other people things that only close friends will talk about. REALLY good friends. I just found out the news from my friend.

The thought of it just boggles my mind. At the same time, it just frustrates me and makes me want to scream. Yeah it's that bad. So I really don't know what's happening now. I still feel attached to her because I guess I still hold a small place in my heart for her. After all that's happened, how the hell am I supposed to face her?

Being what she is now, I guess I shouldn't complain. Now she has this new emotion to overcome and deal with. I just wish I was a better person than I was in the past. Now there's someone I swore who looked like her during my VI retreat. It just makes me think of her. I don't know whether to be depressed or be glad at that fact.

I can just give up right now. But I just stop myself because he's there to push me and egg me on to not lose hope. He probably needs me to help him get her back up on her feet. What's in it for me? See her get up on her feet and continue how it was when we almost have stopped continuing to communicate with her?

But I don't know, I just feel the urge to help because I can't stand to see her, or anyone else for that matter, suffer like this. Then again, he's closer to her than I am. When can I and she ever be back to what we were before? This lovesick feeling is just getting on my nerves.

I do this for the sake of my morals. I do this for the sake of my principles as a person. I do this for the sake of compassion. I do this for the sake of making her happy.

You know what? Probably I'll just get the hell with it and just help her along as he sees fit. When she becomes happy and normal again, I'll just fade back into the background. I do this because she has a special place in my heart. After this, I'm letting of her. Period.

It's no use continuing. I'm just a guy. What difference can I make? I'm just helping along. Sometimes I wonder why I even go back to RCY in the first place. It's mindboggling. Probably I just go because of the temporary satisfaction and fun it gives me.

My purpose, commitment and dedication to RCY could be in question right now. See how things become all so complicated and tangles up? For me it's already a lot to handle psychologically. I don't know how girls do it. It's a wonder.

Back to the topic. I'm all over it now. This could probably be the last straw and that's it. If I ever continue, it's a wonder. I would probably be amazed or I would just get depressed and doing stuff like writing this stupid blog entry again and again and again.

I guess what I can do now is just wait and see what happens. I've made a lot of mistakes already, so probably I guess this is what I deserve. Whether this continues I don't know. Life is always unpredictable. I'm just a suicide angel.